Guilt. I know I deserve this.

I knew that Hubby would say something about the story.  I stayed quiet, hoping beyond hope, that he would somehow miss it.  But since he reads all of the stories on the Yahoo news feed (which is where I saw it) there was no escape.

In case you missed it, the story was about the couple that died within hours of each other http://time.com/#69195/kenneth-helen-felumlee-couple-marriage/ 

Nothing get me tailspinning into guilt more than these stories.  I DREAD them!  I am married to a man that has said, since the day he married me, that he wants nothing more than to grow old with me.  To sit on a front porch with me surrounded by kids and (future) grandkids. Telling stories about our love and our life together.

After reading it, he asked me if I had seen it.  I told him I did.  He grabbed my hand and said “That’ll be us.” I of course, deflected and asked how someone can will themselves to die within hours of another person, which I really don’t understand to be honest.  The wife had died before the husband and Hubby joked that he was so worn out from taking care of her his whole life that he was just waiting for her to kick it first!

My biggest fear about my affairs ever getting exposed is that this dream of his will be ruined.  Not even the affairs get to me.  I don’t feel guilt over those. I feel horrible guilt over this.  He is so loving sometimes that I just can’t handle it.   He will visit friends and come home, kiss me and say thank you.  I always ask why, but I know.  It’s because we don’t fight over stupid stuff.  We don’t bicker.  We don’t push buttons and after 20+ years you know what those buttons are.  The other couples we hang out with are so busy trying to gain control over each other in their relationships.  We just kinda flow along. 

I hope I can find the strength to end things for good with the other two and become totally devoted to my husband again one day. Baby steps, but I am trying. 

I worry about #2

#2 started texting me again last Friday.

He dismisses any conversation that doesn’t go his way.  He then waits a few weeks and attempts to act like the conversation never happened.  He does this all the time! The last time we talked, we fought. He then waited.  Until Friday when he texted me and acted like the conversation about the girlfriend never happened.  Like I bonked my head, got amnesia and forgot everything.

To sum up our conversation, which went back and forth all weekend, he doesn’t know why he has a girlfriend. I told him screwing around on her probably isn’t going to help him figure out why or whether he wants to stay with her.  He can’t be with me.  I will always know if he has a girlfriend or not because of his family, so lying about it isn’t an option. When I turn him down and ask where the girlfriend is, he gets pouty.  The only thing I can guess is that she is saving herself for marriage.  Sunday he texts me and says he got in an accident (lie).  When I ask him if he’s ok, he says ‘why do you care’.  I actually found that amusing, but only after I found out he was perfectly fine.  He was throwing a tantrum.  So I just stoke the fire and tell him not to be mad at me because he has a girlfriend.  Not my fault.

He isn’t behaving in a way that a guy who is barely official with a girl should.  He doesn’t seem to have any consideration for her feelings.  He acts like me! I’m messed up, but it started early in life.  I was pissed at the world and shut the hell down.  Built the walls and shut people out. People were not nice and not to be trusted. I didn’t want to deal with any of it.  I have pretty much stayed that way.

I only feel a solid bond with my immediate family – hubby & kids. Last night Hubby asked me how someone could just look someone else in the eye and lie about something big (referring to something we were watching on TV).  I was thinking in my head ‘been doing it most of my life and it doesn’t faze me in the slightest.’  He is so nice compared to me.  Opposites do attract.

Unless you are like this you don’t understand it. Not taking into account how your actions are affecting other people.  To satisfy your own wants without thinking about consequences, until after.  Lie like it’s second nature. Selfish.

Without some serious counseling I probably will never feel emotions like I ‘should’.  I sure hope #2 isn’t like me, maybe it’s just immaturity.  Unfortunately I don’t think so.

Decompressing and anal.

Sunday.  Today was a day to decompress.  I took care of not so nice stuff in the morning (taxes), then I laid out in the brilliant glorious sun for two hours this afternoon.  I found the classic rock channel on iTunes.  Rush, Doobie Brothers (Black Water…honestly one of my favorites ever) Van Halen, Blondie, The Who, Zeppelin.  A few beers, dark tanning oil and 80 degree Cali sun.  Ahhhh.

Another way I decompress is to have another person that I can be completely honest and open with.  If you don’t have one of these people, get one.   Mine is a co-worker.  She is a few years older than me.  We are both having affairs.  She doesn’t know my husband or my family.  I don’t know her husband or family.  We share stories.  The most f’d up parts of our lives.  She is seriously one of the most hilarious people I know.  She was having an affair with an older guy. Then a 23 year old at work started hitting her up.  She was like ‘oh my god, he is my son’s age’.  I told her don’t knock it til you try it.  That’s when we knew we could share everything.

I am an anal virgin.  So was she, until the 23 year old went for it.  When she told me about it,  it was about the most hilarious thing I’ve ever heard.  We have a job where we have to do a lot of walking.  This happened at work on her break.  She said every time she had to walk, she was making loud farting sounds.  I never laughed so hard.  She said it was fantastic.  She came twice.

#2 has been pushing for it.  For some reason he is fascinated.  Now #1 seems to think he needs it, too.

I am freaking out.  Whenever either of them asks for it all I can think of is PAIN!! Excruciating, horrible PAIN!

So far I have dodged the anal bullet.  Pun intended.  Not sure how much longer I will be able to put them off.  Not that I am totally against trying it.  I am actually pretty open sexually.  They are young though.  I am not sure they will take the time to be easy with me.  Trying to explain to hubby why my butthole is all torn up is a conversation I would rather not have.

I have been reading up on how to “prepare” for it.  Maybe I will let #1 do it, although I have had way more conversations about it with #2 and he actually understands my apprehension.  He may be gentler.

Haha the shit I think about on a Sunday afternoon (:

 

 

 

 

 

#2 – Parting is such sweet…sorrow?

Well #2 and I are done.  I don’t know for how long, hopefully for good.  He texted me on Saturday wanting to hook up.  He was sticking to his usual M.O., which is to act like the conversation about him possibly having a girlfriend never happened. 

So what proceeded after that was a text sparring match.  I told him I needed an answer to the question I asked on MONDAY.  I then explained what the definition of ‘committed relationship’ was because he was still playing dumb.  Then he told me he was confused. I asked him why.  He asked me why I was flipping out. (His go-to term when he doesn’t like what I’m saying) I told him I wasn’t. He then said he didn’t know why I was saying all this shit to him.  I told him that I was done trying to do the right thing and I explained it 50 ways and he still didn’t get it.

The next day (Sunday) I sent him my last text.  I told him that I didn’t understand why he can’t answer one stupid question.  He is an adult (sometimes he forgets he will be 20 in a few months) he needs to act like one.  Whenever I ask him anything he doesn’t want to answer he gets all sketchy and says I’m flipping out.  It is not fair that he gets what he needs from me and all I get is his shitty, dicky attitude because I don’t say exactly what he wants to hear or I ask him the wrong question.  I get treated so much nicer by like everybody in my life.  His crappy attitude really sucks.  I don’t know how to talk to him anymore. 

Of course I got no answer because my ‘punishment’ when I say something he doesn’t like is silence.

Today I was checking his nonexistent girlfriend’s fb page.  I know that she will be the first one to change her status to being in a relationship with him because that is what girls do.  Well guess who is in a relationship now?

Yes, her with him.  And him with her. *gasp* What a surprise.

I know I did the right thing. I would like to think that I pushed him a little bit into doing right by her.  I don’t need to be involved in somebody else’s games.  I have enough of my own to play.  But I have mixed emotions.  I would be lying to myself to say that the end of an almost two year affair will not sting a little bit. I know I am not going to miss the relationship I have with him now, I will be missing what we had.  In the beginning. 

I hope he learns a few things while he is with her.  Like how to answer questions that he doesn’t like asked, which I am sure there will be a lot of because it comes along with having a girlfriend.  Package deal. 

And how to treat a girl.

Nicely.

 

Hubby, #1 & #2. A quick synopsis of my 3 men.

The problem with 3 men is the 3 personalities that go along with them.

Hubby:  He is great.  We have the same sort of upbringing.  We like the same outdoor stuff and have always included the children.  We still take them everywhere, even though they are grown.  We do spur of the moment things.  We kiss and say I love you every day.  He tells me I’m beautiful, tells me all about his day.  I look forward to him coming home from work and still find him cute as hell.  It was love at first sight (yes there is such a thing).  I knew I was going to marry him pretty much as soon as I met him.  Sex was great from day 1 and he is still the only one that I can have an orgasm with. BUT…We are complete opposites.  We don’t like the same movies.  We don’t listen to the same music.  He is a social butterfly, I’m not.  He hates Disneyland, the fair or anyplace with large crowds and lines. I love Disneyland and the fair.  He can’t be any place where he can’t get a beer, quickly.  He has a temper and is narrow minded about a lot of things. He drinks and is in bed by 10 on the weekend. I am awake with time on my hands on Friday and Saturday nights.

#1:  He is my favorite.  He is the one that I crossed the line with first.  He wanted me, I knew it and I wanted him just as much.  I am in awe of him, sex is amazing.  We like all the same things.  We sing together.  He is my type and has the perfect color eyes that I get lost in.  We used to just lay on the floor in the living room and stare at each other for hours.  Just being next to each other. Not knowing if we should, but wanting to so badly.  I have been through a lot with him.  We have said the ‘words’.  We trust each other and have had this secret for a long time.

#2:  is a pain in the ass.  He had an idea that something had happened with #1 and he was very competitive with him.  He initiated.  I was attracted.  He was very inexperienced, but I love how confident he is.  There is no lack of girls  fawning all over him.   And while #1 is like a bouncy puppy when it comes to girls (all compliments and sweetness), #2 is calm, cool and collected. Never tips his hand. I find it extremely hot. He keeps his life private.  If he had a motto it would be “fuck me and don’t ask questions.”  It’s all about him and his dick, which is pretty nice. We just got back ‘together’ after fighting (mostly about me trying to end it) and ignoring each other on and off for a year. I keep hoping it’s over, but he keeps coming back.

So me and #2 are fighting. Again. Why? Because people in the know are saying that he has a girlfriend.  I have seen her around, for the last 4 months, but now it is sounding like more of a commited thing.  It’s also my guaranteed out, because my biggest rule is when they get girlfriends, we are done.  Maybe only until they break up or whatever, but done.

Well I texted him and asked him about it.  I explained why I needed to know, I don’t want some over-emotional teenage girl finding out he is screwing around on her and trying to find out who it is.  If she should find out that it is me, that would be a problem.  Of course I get no answer, because that would mean that I might find out about his life *gasp* and no more sex.  So I wait a day.  I text again and say

“Since you haven’t answered me back I assume that means you are in a committed relationship and we are done.”

He answers back. Finally.

“Why do you do this you know it pisses me off”

Oh my god. Wow.  I responded with well I am pissed off too and I am glad you have a girlfriend so now we don’t have to piss each other off anymore.  It was a simple yes or no question.  Are you committed to her or not.  Which btw he completely skipped around the subject and never even answered the question!  I even explained how this actually helps him too, since I am keeping him from getting caught fucking around.

We’ll see where it goes from here.  He makes me nuts.

Men are visual creatures

I have been told I have a very nice ass.  Not big, just nice.  Small boobs.  Full A cup, (almost B) but small nonetheless.  They say you naturally get either a really nice ass or big boobs.  I have the former.

My husband loves this combination.  He actually would be so pissed if I got a boob job.  I attribute it to the fact that he hit puberty in the 70’s and small boobs were the thing.  Every time I see Scarface I smile and think to myself ‘ah, the days before hormones in milk’.

I workout at home (by workout I mean like walking videos, stretching, yoga…light stuff) and  have an excuse to wear my cami and yoga pants around the house. These are my ‘workout’ clothes.  I may or may not workout right away, but I run all around the house in my yoga pants driving my husband crazy.  He can’t keep his hands off my ass and it’s an ego boost for me.

Tonight, not only did hubby enjoy my yoga pants, but so did my 2 side-guys.  I didn’t know that I would be seeing both of them, but I know those pants drive them nuts.  The end result was a nice back-rub from hubby and a text message from side-guy #2. 

This post isn’t about my yoga pants or my nice ass.  It’s about how visual men are.  It takes just a little effort on our part to give men a little something to think about.  Now matter what size you are, play up your best features.  I don’t mean dress like a slut.  I am saying work your positives, whatever they may be. Got nice legs?  Fuck me heels go a long way.  Just saying.

Be nice to your men and give them some eye-candy!!

Double Standard

I believe there to be a double standard in our society.  More on that after I make a few points. I am having affairs with much, much younger men.  Why? Because there are advantages.

1.  They have very little on their minds other than sex, trucks and work. It is a blessing because they truly think with their dicks.  I am not in this to have stimulating conversation.

2.  Unattached.  Yes, they see other girls.  I don’t care. I make them use protection.

3.  When they get a girlfriend it is over.  That I have made clear.  I do not want to be caught in some stupid love triangle with an over-emotional teenage girl that thinks she is in love.  Now whether they will be up front with me about that when it happens, remains to be seen.  Right now neither of them seems to be in too much of a  hurry to get a girlfriend.  And I will find out, I know other family members of theirs who talk. A lot.

4.  It’s not permanent.  I am no Mary Kay Letourneau and am not looking to play house and family with either of them.  Having kids while my kids could possibly give me grandkids? Nope. I got enough on my plate. Plus I am at an age where the liklihood of getting preggers is just about zero. Thank god.

I don’t feel that older men can get away with this as much as older women can.  While I am considered a ‘cougar’, stupid term btw, I can happily skip along that fine line of 19 and 20 year olds pretty smoothly. I am very much looking forward to the day (soon) when ‘teen’ years are behind. It just sounds bad. I may be a unique case, though.  I actually LOOK that age.  Yes, seriously I do.

Now if you are an older man, I am not sure that you would be able to skip along that same line.  I don’t know if there is a term for a man.  Panther?  Or predator? This is where that double standard comes into play. 

Anyways, this is just my take on society today. 

Age is just a number, that is 100% true.

6 months ago

It’s September.  I usually don’t have forewarning, he just shows up.  Hubby is sleeping and thank god he drinks pretty heavily on the weekend so is a very sound sleeper (passes out).  I run into the bathroom, brush my teeth, so excited for what I know is gonna happen.  We whisper to each other, discussing where a safe place is to do it.  Our only option is the garage.  We don’t get in the car because we wouldn’t hear someone coming.  He is so ready he bends me over the hood, pulls my shorts down and slides it in.  I am so relieved, I don’t know for sure, but I think this must be what it is like to get a fix.  We fuck that way until he cums. We get back in the house.  I am on my laptop, he is watching TV.  About an hour goes by, I go in the kitchen to get a drink.  He follows me, ready again.  I drop to my knees in the kitchen and give him a blow job.  A very quiet blow job, not wasting anything. He is finally tired and falls asleep.

For someone his age it is nothing short of astounding what he can do.  It’s like he was born knowing what to do with the opposite sex.  One day he is going to make a lucky girl very happy.

He, unlike the other one, knows how to make me feel sexy and wanted.  He kisses me.  He likes kissing.  He plays with my nipples.  He slaps my ass, then giggles. He is into foreplay.  Not that I need that. I am so ready for him by the time we get started I can’t stand it.  We talk during sex.  I can hear him in my head ‘you like that? yea, yea?’ I thought I would find that so stupid, but from him it sounds good. He takes charge, sometimes it takes me by surprise.  Like he knows what he wants and he just expects to get it.  I don’t even get the option to say no, which obviously is what I should be saying, being married.

If I was his age I would be his girlfriend, but then it probably would not be this perfect.

This evening

Texts! I don’t know why I get so worried that you won’t text me again, because you always do.  Sometimes it’s 2 or 3 weeks in between, but it happens. Meanwhile,  I try not to think about it. Or you. I say in my head, “I can’t wait for you to text, so I can ignore you.” I am just going to ignore that text when I get it. Not answer back. See how it feels?  I usually text something simple and nice to you.

Hey! Happy Friday (:

Insert cricket sounds here.

Honestly you can’t say hey happy Friday back? I mean wow. Not only not reply, but not reply for 2 weeks.

Finally you will text back.  ‘thank you, thank you, thank you’ runs through my brain when I finally get that text.  I still don’t answer right away, but forget all my resolve from before to stay strong and tell you to go jump off a bridge. Because that was two weeks ago and I still find it somehow fulfilling to do this with you.  You are the only one that makes me mad this way, then calms me down. You are the only one I have to work this hard with.  Thinking about how crazy you make me, keeps my brain busy at my boring ass job.

For some reason I like this.

You like having me an option.  This I have learned from the past month.  I know my phone will eventually blow up with phone calls and messages if you think I am drifting too far away.  Like a fish you reel me back in.  You are lucky your are so damn cute.

Annoying yes.  Am I alright with it? Yes.

Summer 1981

In all honesty, I don’t really remember much about being 14. Dribs and drabs of my life in 1980 and 1981 will pop into my head occasionally. It’s like tuning the little black and white television I used to have as a kid. I move the rabbit ears around, sometimes getting a clear picture, but mostly snow and white noise. I only assume that it was a very turbulent time in my life, I wouldn’t know. I doubt at the time I thought too much about it. My parents were finally getting a divorce after years of tormenting each other.  We were poor as dirt. We lived on food stamps.  I remember the two houses we lived in, moving from place to place after getting kicked out. I had cassette tapes of Queen’s -The Game and Pat Benatar’s Crimes of Passion and Precious Time that I just about wore out listening to. I was on the softball team. I have seen pictures of it. In 8th grade. In the yearbook. I don’t remember a day of it.

I was completely boy crazy.  Even back then, there was something that would attract them to me also.  I have always been told I have beautiful eyes, maybe that is it.  I don’t know.  If a popular boy paid attention to me, it was to be a secret. A stolen kiss on the bus on the way back from a field trip to the lake, was followed by a finger raised to his lips “shhhhh”. Nobody saw and nobody was to know.  One time I had the unfortunate luck to be flirted with by one of the popular boys in front of  ‘J’.  ‘J’ had taken it upon herself to be my bully.  Her I remember like it was yesterday. The shit-eating grin on her face as she gave the boy a look like “ewww gross” and he took his foot and shoved me and my chair at least 3 feet away from him.

So back to Summer 1981.  I was visiting my dad. He had gotten an apartment about 30 miles from our town, so me and my brothers went to visit. He had a new girlfriend and there was a pool to swim in. I was so excited! I was even more excited when said new girlfriend had a son that was a year older than me. We were away from my stupid small town and I could hang out with this boy for the entire weekend. Oh joy!

We spent all day Saturday swimming and just hanging around.  That night my dad went to bed leaving us in the living room alone.  The boys would all sleep in the spare bedroom and since I was the only girl, I got the couch.  At first me and the boy were just watching MTV.  It was a brand new channel and provided the background music to my first real sexual encounter.  I don’t recall the sequence of events. I was so sexually inexperienced I didn’t really know what was happening as it was happening.  We kissed.  He got a hard on.  My hand was placed on his underwear in the vicinity of his penis.  I didn’t know what I was supposed to be doing with it.  I played with his balls for a long time before he told me to move my hand up ‘on it’ and go up and down. Then after about 20 minutes of doing this combo of kissing, squeezing his balls and moving  my hand up and down he said, “Now look what you made me do, I made a mess.”

Honest to god I had no clue what the hell he was talking about.

The next day we walked to a nearby hotel and rode in the glass elevator.  Just riding in it up and back down again. Loitering around.  Doing what bored kids do.  We got back to the apartment and my dad took us kids home.  I never saw him again and don’t even know his name.